I know next to nothing about proper haiku. Today there is snow so heavy that several arborvitae in the yard are bent over to the ground. Will try:
wet flakes floating down
growing thick on slender branch
small tree leaning over
my wife has taught some poetry and recommended changing the last line, especially since the trees are in fact about 10-12 feet tall. Again:
wet flakes floating down
growing thick on evergreens
trees bent to the ground
something about the 'wet flakes' and 'floating down' doesn't seem right. How about this:
heavy snow in spring
grow thick on evergreens
trees bent to the ground
like listening to someone learn violin, this must seem dreadful to those who know better. Your comments/advice welcome.
Monday, March 13, 2006
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3 comments:
aurora - thank you for the advice, I like learning about this. I did wonder about all the '-ing' words in the first version.
aurora - thanks for the encouragement - would certainly be open to recommended readings, online and otherwise. Been sort of a rambling search so far.
aurora - thank you for these, it is so helpful for sorting out where to spend time reading.
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